God's Leading: Child Training

I have been radically transformed in the way we/I parent our sons. Its been a week and a few days instilling a new approach to discipline/training up my oldest son and the fruit is so good already. I spent much of last week, being stripped and wrung out by our Heavenly Father. I went through an emotional roller coaster. And I couldn't be more thankful.

A little quick history on my past views of discipline, you will see how easy it is for even Christian parents to accept secular ways when in fact the Lord has called us to something else that is far more spectacular!  I always thought strong willed equaled strong discipline. Being a preschool teacher before becoming a mom, with fifteen three year olds running about, I tended to have to be a bit firm to keep my class well under control and so I was a rather firm mom, yet also had my soft moments. I always thought, "well if I let him get away with this or that, he will walk all over me." "I cant back down now, despite how ridiculous this battle is of the wills, he has to conform and do what I say, or else this and this will happen." I am being fully honest here. I was not a terrible mom, but rather a mom who needed to learn how to give grace, how to fully understand my three year olds precious heart and his intentions. Just because he was doing something, didn't mean his intentions were wrong...why did I not see this? Why did I assume that he was being mean, or causing havoc on purpose? Why did I not, take him on my lap, cuddle him and ask him how he was or what he meant to do?  Just as our Heavenly Father does to us? And it pains my heart to think I was an assuming mom to my son most days for the last year. But I can rejoice, that God got my  attention, and said, "Alicia, dear child, this is not the way I have for you or your son. Let me show you." And so I followed and obeyed with a heart wide open and tears in my eyes saying, "Yes Jesus, show me now right where I am."

Last week on Tuesday, out of no where, I sent a text to my husbands aunt (mrsrabe.blogspot.com). OUT. OF. NOWHERE. Here is what I put, "I think you should do a post on child training in regards to discipline. Think about it!" I honestly, had no control over what I was writing, it just came out. And so she replied, "okay!" And that was it.

Wednesday, she did a post on child training for the wee years. Toddler age. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not a gentle mom most days...I was a loving mom but always firm about most everything. Her post did not include time outs or spanking. It didn't include talking down to the child or scolding them. It was about training. It was about asking the child not to do something, but using words of love. Using a time to hold them to teach them rather than sending them off to their room alone, feeling secluded and sad and unworthy to be with you. Her post taught me it all needs to be done in love.  I knew this, but I don't think I fully understood how. Put the frustration and anger away. Get it out of all parenting. They are precious souls who need to know that they never need to earn your love. They have it already no matter what they do. Just as we do with Jesus. She starts out by saying, "I love you!" before even talking about what the issue is that the child is doing. That's awesome.

"I love you and you need to obey." These words I use day in and day out now. And guess what, the response from my son is astounding. The fruit is my reward! I have put aside the time outs, the stern voice. I have changed. So has my husband. We both see the huge change and difference that is so good. This last week and a half, I have simply come to my sons level, talked calmly to him. Praised him over and over (Duggar style) and have told him before every correction that "I love you! You need to obey. This is what you need to do ____" His response? He is silly, he is happy, he is being loved, he is obeying and he knows it. He KNOWS it. Not that he didn't feel love before, but I/we are now loving him that way that he needs to be loved, through gentle discipline.

We are loving him through understanding him. Through him knowing that his feelings matter. They matter to us! If he is struggling to go into a classroom, or to try something new, that is okay! He is secure with us. He doesn't have to go into his class, or else a, b, c will occur. This is not being a pushover. This is allowing your child's feelings to matter. "You don't want me to leave you in class?" "Okay, come be with me and learn how to grow" Because I understand you, I love you and you are secure in me.

I have been taught SO much in such a short time. Refined.

As I shared all of this with my mom, the turn around of how my son was to how he has changed so much for the positive. She said, "Alicia, I told dad last week that we need to be praying for you and Ryan. That you would be less firm with him and more understanding of him and his age." Wow. God is at work! And remember that random text I sent? Yep. Totally a God thing. I was raised with totally and completely gentle discipline. And I have not a clue why I didn't remember that.. But the world is SO controlling and Satan just wants to take us and make us think a certain way. Especially Christian parents, he is so after us.

I read this article about gentle parenting, and here is an excerpt: (sorry it looks a little crazy)

Twelve of God’s children, all with different personalities, backgrounds, and talents, became Jesus’ disciples. The word disciple is the root word in discipline, so to discipline our children means to disciple them.

What characteristics defined Jesus’ discipleship? In other words, how did He treat His disciples? Was He harsh? Did He yell? Did He punish them? Clearly, He had the authority to. But since He came to take our punishment, it really wouldn’t make sense for Him to start meting it out, would it?

Was He distant, unresponsive to their needs? Did He make demands, insist on instant obedience, and toss around kingly commands?

No, no, no, and no! Jesus treated His disciples gently, tenderly. He listened. He responded to their needs, answered their questions, spoke their language. Jesus encouraged and guided and taught His disciples.

He drew them close to Himself, lived with them, ate with them, traveled with them. Jesus didn’t just say He loved His disciples. He didn’t simply feel love for His disciples. Jesus lived love for His disciples. And He lived that love daily, mercifully, sacrificially.

So, what are the characteristics that defined Jesus’ discipleship?

Gentle. Tender. Responsive. Available.

Listening. Encouraging. Teaching. Guiding.

God, Himself, intimately and empathetically connecting with His children.

That is perfect parenting.

Profound, isn't it? And so good and right. I am praising God for this refining in my life and feel so, so blessed that He chose to refine me in this area now, when I was blind, rather than in ten years when my sons are teens.

My prayer, that I would follow my Lords example of what it means to love fully, be gentle in correction always, understanding my sons and their feelings and to live out this new calling in our lives. It comes natural to me now. The first day or two, I found myself biting my tongue not to do my old ways of discipline, but now? Its so natural. The Lord has come in, and changed me. Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him! Its as if He has written me/us a love note through using others! That's amazing. He cares that much. After all we only have one shot at this parenting thing, I am making it my best to get it right, the first and only time using His lead and keeping my eyes on Him. And when we fail, because we will, He is so gracious to give us a new day; His mercies are new.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

1 John 4:18